stgulik (stgulik) wrote in grangersnape100,

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Harry Potter and the New Hope

Title: Harry Potter and the New Hope
Team: Death Eaters
Challenge: Parody
Characters: Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Rubeus Hagrid, Tom Riddle, Minerva McGonagall
Word count: 700
Rating: PG, technically
Author's Note: sweettale4u, I was excited to see this prompt! Hope this is the sort of thing you had in mind. All my love to my talented alpha, teddyradiator. There’s an Easter egg in here, just for her, which she has yet to figure out.

A Patronus resolved into the shape of an exquisitely tiny witch instead of a magical creature. She shook her bushy hair out of her eyes and began to speak. They stared, transfixed, as she recited her passionate plea.

“Help me, Headmaster,” she begged. “You are my only hope.”

Albus Dumbledore sat lost in thought long after the Patronus disappeared. Then he looked up, blue eyes twinkling.

You must learn the ways of the Hallows if you are to accompany me,” he said.

Harry Potter jumped up. “I can’t go with you! I’m late as it is.”

“That’s your uncle talking.”


Dumbledore Apparated himself and Harry into the heart of London. They made their way onto a wizarding street.

“Knockturn Alley,” spat Dumbledore. “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy—oh, good evening, Hagrid.”

The half-giant grunted a hello. At Dumbledore’s behest, he presented the pair to his business partner, a wizard who would take them to their bushy-haired princess—for a price.

Harry was incensed. “The Knight Bus is much cheaper.”

The black-robed mercenary, Severus Snape, was in no mood for amateurs. “We need a Portkey, Mr. Potter. And who’s going to make one—you?”


“She’s down in that small village.”

That's no village,” replied Dumbledore. In fact, it was the largest mansion they had ever seen. Dumbledore snuck them in with his Elder wand.

“Hallows don’t decide my fate,” scoffed Snape.

“Perhaps you’d like to stay outside with the albino peacocks,” replied Dumbledore.

They split up. Harry, Hagrid and Snape snuck into the dungeon. Soon, Harry found Princess Hermione.

“Aren’t you a little short for a wizard?” she remarked.

“Oh! I’m the Boy Who Lived,” explained Harry. “Dumbledore is here. And a half-giant.”

“A what?”

“And a mercenary.”

“Never mind. I’ll stay right here.”


But Hagrid dragged the princess out of her cell. They evaded capture by Death Eaters while Snape labored to create another Portkey. “This was your plan?” demanded Hermione. “You’re braver than I thought.”

“Perhaps you’d like it better with the albino peacocks, Your Worship,” snarled Snape.

Just then, their eardrums were assaulted by a Sonorous-enhanced voice that seemed to batter their brains.

“Dumbledore, we meet at last.”

“Hello, Tom.”

“Once, you were the teacher. Now I am the master.”

“The Hallows will save us all.”

They dueled ferociously, their wands throwing green flames. Dumbledore fought with valor, but tragedy struck.


Sitting in Grimmauld Place, Harry was inconsolable. “All he ever wanted was a nice warm pair of socks,” he lamented.

“That doesn’t sound right,” ventured Snape. Hermione shushed him.

“Come on,” she said. “We’ve found a way to defeat Lord Riddle and the Death Eaters in one go.”

They descended to the kitchen of the hidden rebel base, where the Order of the Phoenix had gathered. McGonagall spoke. “We have the blueprints to Malfoy Manor,” she informed them. “Many house-elves died to bring us these plans.”


Everyone sniggered until Princess Hermione stood and threatened them all with S.P.E.W. badges.


The rebels raced into Malfoy Manor en masse, where they were met by vicious Death Eaters, ready to duel to the death. Curses blitzed the air. Friend and foe alike were slain as Harry, Hagrid, Snape and Hermione made their way to the center of the house.

“I thought you were a mercenary,” hissed Hermione to Snape as she defended him from a curse.

“There’s more to me than money,” he protested as he deflected hexes aimed at her head.

A converted ballroom was where Riddle made his stand, confident of victory. “Harry Potter, you and your rebels are finished.”


As Harry Potter and Lord Riddle prepared to square off, Dumbledore’s ghostly voice came from above. “Use the Hallows, Harry.

“But he already knows where I am,” protested Harry.

“Do it!” screamed Hermione. Finally, Harry donned an Invisibility Cloak. And Lord Riddle, possessing visual acuity akin to the snakes he loved so much, promptly lost track of the invisible boy. In that moment, Harry struck. Lord Riddle fell to the ground, dead.

The celebration lasted well into the night. Snape found Princess Hermione and asked for his reward.

“I’d like one S.P.E.W. badge, and a kiss.”

She smiled. “I know.”


Tags: stgulik
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